Every auto show, to one extent or another, reflects the car culture of its host city, but the Washington DC Auto Show takes it to a whole other level.

First, there were the military vehicles which I assumed was a bit of PR for the Department of Defense given its large share of the federal budget. Might as well show off some of the hardware, maybe grease a wheel or two with influential congressional staffers.

Also, little boys liked to crawl all over them.

Mine never did, of course. That is totally not him in the pic. I'm sure he was off doing math problems or studying vocabulary or whatever it is his mother thinks he should be doing instead.

Of course, defense spending will soon be eclipsed by interest expense due to the exploding federal debt and I for one am looking forward to inspiring displays of the very latest in cargo containers required to transport the baskets of cash necessary to keep current on our payments to Japan and China.

The powers that be also thought an auto show would be the perfect venue to promote not using autos. Here is an example from last year.

They've been leaning into this for a while. Here is a pic from 2014.

I have to admit, there was something about touring a Metro bus on the convention floor of an auto show that was undeniably fun in a cognitive dissonance kind of way.

Most importantly, the Washington Auto Show routinely displayed how painfully eager automakers were to demonstrate their obsequious subjugation to the regulatory state, which was particularly evident this year. And so gone were the buses and military vehicles as they would be mere distractions from the real star of the show: Electric Vehicles, or EVs!

This year there are more makes and models to choose from and consumers are trying to familiarize themselves with EVs.

And by "trying to familiarize themselves with EVs," they mean, "trying to figure out how to choke down the EVs being rammed down their throats" which is kind of the same thing only with more ramming.

That's not to say there weren't plenty of internal combustion automobiles, and I will get to them, but the EV push was hard.

I've been taking my son, now a teenager, since he was six years old and so we made our way once again to check it out.

But first, this being Washington DC, we couldn't make our way across the Potomac from Virginia without first encountering the random protest du jour, this time the currently fashionable support for Hamas, er, I mean, "Palestine."

I don't know about you, but I find their honking horns make for a compelling argument.

Sorry, Jewish people, if you expect me to take your positions seriously, you're going to have to impede traffic and violate noise ordinances more!

[Editor's Note: This is a routinely-employed literary device known as sarcasm.]

Following this brief encounter with the first amendment, my wife dropped us off on a brisk but sunny Saturday afternoon.

As in years past, the Washington Auto Show was held in the Washington Convention Center, or to be more precise, the Walter E. Washington Convention Center.

Now, I am sure it was a high honor for Walter and his family to have this convention center named after him, but this is Washington, and I don't think many people realize that this place was named after something other than the city. I don't personally recall noticing it before, and if I did, I immediately forgot.

So let's all pause a moment to honor Walter and his many accomplishments in service to his nation.

Whatever they were.

We were eager to be wowed by the latest in EV innovation, perhaps something genuinely groundbreaking, like making them usable in the winter.

But first we had to pass through security which involved walking through an array of white towers and sensor panels that were all the more disturbing given how desperately they were trying to appear benign.

And then there was the name. "Evolv." Are they trying to sound like a sinister corporation bent on world domination?

These were giving me major Total Recall vibes.

I thought maybe it was just me. So I checked out one of their promotional videos.

Okay, it's not just me.

What were these things actually doing? They weren't metal detectors, I had enough metal on me to set one of those off, and they weren't those radiation-inducing walk-through virtual disrobing CAT scans so beloved by TSA that I could tell.

I went to the Evolv site, where they provided this corporate-speak word salad.

Evolv Express® uses advanced sensor technology and artificial intelligence to distinguish between weapons and everyday items... offer[ing] an integrated suite of digitally enabled sensors, analytics and communication that deters, detects and orchestrates response to weapons that cause loss of life.

Now, I'm not suggesting that this is exactly the kind of word salad you'd spin up if you wanted to draw attention away from the fact that you were surreptitiously depositing aerosolized GPS-enabled nano spybots on unsuspecting people's skin and clothing.

That would be reckless speculation.

I'm just saying that nowhere on their website do they deny that they are surreptitiously depositing aerosolized GPS-enabled nano spybots on unsuspecting people's skin and clothing.

In any case, my son, the aerosolized nano spybots, and I made our way up the stairs to start our day.

What wonders awaited?

Well, we found out that Toyota very badly wants to "Electrify your ride."

Unfortunately for Toyota, the number of people who genuinely desire to have their ride electrified were a bit paltry.

Keep in mind, this was prime time on a Saturday afternoon.

In fact, we pretty much had most of the electric vehicles to ourselves, so it was easy to spend some time with them.

Here is a Silverado EV RST.

"It looks like it has to sneeze," my son said.

After that, I couldn't unsee it.

400 mile range! Well, that's "GM-estimated" so probably tested under typical driving conditions, like temperate weather, a light breeze, and downhill.

Of course, all this talk of range routinely missed the main point, and that is charging time. If you're taking a long drive, you don't want to have to stop for a few hours. Even Tesla Super Chargers take a good 15 minutes to add a paltry 200 miles. And that's when you can find one, and it's working or not already occupied. That's the "range anxiety" they have to solve to spur consumer adoption.

But then, why bother with the hassle of convincing when you can compel.

This was the Lexus RZ.

"It looks like a high-school girl running out of the bathroom crying," my son said.

I did not ask him why he was so familiar with such a scene.

Hey, how about a hydrogen EV?

The world's first!

And at $65,000, perhaps the last!

As a hydrogen-powered EV, you don't have to charge it, instead you fill it up with compressed Hindenburg juice, and and you're on your way!

At least it looked half decent.

Except for the handles. They apparently pop out, but were fixed to stay out for the auto show.

They may be ugly, but at least they feel like crap.

The only EV that had any kind of crowd at all was the Tesla Cybertruck.

I always thought it was interesting looking. Odd proportions, but it had a bit of a DeLorean feel to it. Seeing it in person was a very different experience.

What's the word I'm looking for?

Oh yeah, ugly.

No, more ghastly than ugly. There was no angle where this thing looked right.

It was simultaneously depressing and ridiculous.

That exterior which I first likened to stainless steel from pictures I had seen, takes on a dull industrial magnesium look in person. the pictures I took actually look okay, but in person, it's different.

The interior may be even worse.

Force a prisoner to sit in one of these ugly, sterile, iPad-on-wheels might be considered an eighth amendment violation.

Taste is subjective, of course, so I respect your right to think this is attractive.

I also respect your right to put off that cataracts surgery your ophthalmologist keeps recommending.

Incidentally, unlike all the other vehicles (the ones that were unlocked anyway which were most), there was an organized line to sit in it with a 25-second time limit. I looked at the line and did a quick calculation. Thirty minutes, minimum. I checked with my son. It was a hard no from him as well.

The popularity of the Cybertruck and the relative non-interest in most every other electric vehicle at the show made me think that America's love affair, such as it has been, wasn't with EVs, but with Tesla.

As consumers turn away, even Hertz is scaling back its interest in EVs.

And what is it about EVs that make designers want to fiddle with the windshield wipers?

The Cybertruck was outfitted with this comical wiper better measured in feet than inches.

The Hummer EV went in the other direction, taking the razor blade approach to consumer marketing: If two is good, three must be better!

Of course, these are not the first vehicles to do go this route (the Toyota FJ Cruiser had three, and various foreign manufacturers experimented with one-blade systems, notably Mercedes-Benz on the 190E), but there is a reason why we've been successfully wiping rain off our windshields for a hundred years with two wiper blades. They work.

This was not something that needed to be reimagined.

How about focus on the basics first, like making them run.

One final note on the EV portion of our program before we move on.

You might recall this thrill ride available to attendees of the Carlisle Chrysler Nationals auto show my son and I attended last year.

Well, not to be outdone, this year's Washington Auto Show offered its own electrified excitement.

Buckle up, boys and girls, this one gets a little bumpy.

Word about this ride was definitely getting around. Why, that line must be pushing half a dozen people, easy.

Okay, okay, there was actually another ride there.

Picture riding around in a golf cart in your rec room, and you'll get the idea.

There were automobiles for regular people, of course, but fewer than in years past. Sadly, automakers have begun pulling back on corporate support for auto shows believing their marketing dollars are better spent on digital advertising and social media. I think this is a mistake, which I will address later, but regardless, many brands were completely absent this year including BMW, Mercedes-Benz, Audi, and most disappointing to me, Stellantis.

You are probably wondering why I would care whether or not a prescription drug would be at the Washington Auto Show and if it was as effective in treating psoriatic arthritis as you've heard.

I totally understand your confusion, but no, "Stellantis" is not a pharmaceutical offering, but rather is the bloodless name conjured up by corporate ghouls whose passion for automobiles and thrill for the open road died long ago leaving an empty husk where joy once lived but what now foments a mission to see to it that no one else ever experiences happiness again.

Okay, that went darker than I expected, but Stellantis is an actual name for which consultants got paid a lot of money and serves as the corporate umbrella for such storied nameplates as Fiat, Alfa-Romeo, Maserati, and most importantly to me, Jeep and Dodge.

Left with very few nameplates I'd seriously consider purchasing, my son and I ventured on to see what wonders the few remaining car manufacturers had for us.

Many of those wonders left us wondering, "what were they thinking?"

Certainly overall quality and efficiency are leagues ahead of where things were just 20 years ago, but car makers seem to have an uncanny ability to make you think they might never actually bother to sit in the cars they make never mind drive them.

The first one we checked out was a Ford Maverick. My wife has been thinking of getting a pickup for many years, as have I. There are really only two reasons we haven't yet.

1. It would be stupid.
2. See above.

We live in an urban area and have to fit into urban spaces including urban parking garages notorious for low ceiling heights. Great for a Mini Cooper, less so a Ford F-150.

Still, we both have rural roots and do rural-ish things often enough like carrying mulch and hauling used refrigerators to relatives (hey, you do rural your way) that we consider such a purchase frequently and a small pickup like the Maverick seemed like a possibility.

It's handsome enough looking from the outside, nice tidy proportions and unashamedly a truck.

The inside is, well, nice to look at, but feels really cheap once you climb in it.

Look, it's a (relatively) inexpensive truck between 25 and 35 grand, and in fact the most affordable vehicle Ford sells, but if you're going to go budget, if you're going to go all utilitarian on me, go all in, like the Jeep Wranglers of old did. If you try for a sophisticated modern interior but have a riding mower budget, you're not going to make anyone happy.

There are also the odd design choices, like they let the college interns work on it in their spare time. Take a look to the right of the touch screen.

What is this?

My son said it looked like they couldn't find big enough screens so got what they could and left the hole.

It's like three inches deep. What is this for? Your old Razr flip phone from 2004?

I googled to see if this was a question asked and answered and of course it was.

There is a little cubby next to the infotainment system. It's likely an artifact of not being able to source a widescreen panel for this model year. Oh well.

Huh, my son was right. But hey, it was just for that model year.

Except this was written in 2021.

This was on purpose. This was a choice.

In my youth, when I drove a cab, every taxi had a "shrine", a little bit of dash reserved for a saint, a prophet, a hockey card, or a picture of a girlfriend. We cabbies called it a shrine...

I can't tell you how many times I've desperately searched for a place to put my hockey card only to come up wanting. Finally, a solution.

The cab I drove had St Joseph because, well, I'd ask my late uncle, but he's dead.

This guy is growing on me.

One more from another commenter:

I'm an arborist, so it'll likely become my go-to for cool leaves, bud clippings, and interesting seeds.

All things considered, this one stays on the maybe list.

We wandered over to the Honda Ridgeline next.

Again, design choices.

What kind of hot mess is this? What intuitive sense does this even make? My son said it looks like they were working on a deadline and ran out of time. "Just throw on some buttons, and no, I don't care what shape they are or if they're even aligned, just get them in there!"

And then there's wanting to, oh I don't know, maybe this is just me but, open the door maybe?

That thin piece of plastic my finger is resting on? That's the door handle.

Why? Why do this? An interior door handle is not complicated. You pull it towards you and back and the door opens in one seamless motion.

You can't just pull this as it moves in the exact opposite direction of the action you are trying to initiate. Imagine if a parachute ripcord worked this way?

Instead, you have to squeeze this ridiculously flimsy-feeling piece of plastic by pinching it with your thumb and fingers and then push. (Incidentally, that pinch is not particularly pleasant when you suffer from early arthritis not that I'd know anything about that because I'm entirely too young and why does my hip ache now...)

The Ford Bronco is a really nice looking take on the genre, although one patron I overheard called it a "Jeep wannabe."

You want buttons? We've got buttons!

We even have buttons you don't need!

I actually like these. I've added accessories to Jeeps such as an air compressor and a winch, and it would have been nice to have some pre-wired buttons in place.

On the other hand, the "Jeep wannabe" line came immediately back to mind when I checked out this interior grab handle, intended to help passengers hold themselves in place when the terrain gets rough.

I think I'd be better off grabbing those auxiliary buttons.

This commitment to quality extended to the exterior as well.

"Maybe it's flexible so you can squeeze into tight parking spaces," my son said.

On to the Corvette.

Let me point out that the Corvette has morphed from a butt of jokes about hairy chested orthodontists with gold chains into a bona fide supercar. And yet, here we go.

See that thin black strip running down the center console?

Those are supposed to be functional buttons.

You had years to design this thing, and this is the best you can do? A long strip of tiny buttons indistinguishable from each other at speed? And what's with the weird shift buttons again?

It looks they left whatever they had designed out in the sun too long and it melted into this unsightly mess.

How about wanting to open the door? Better check the instructional manual first.

Yep, it's that tiny little awkwardly placed button all but impossible to see when the door is closed.

Not that it opens the door, no, you still have to push, but it does save you from the drudgery of having to disengage the latch manually.

Guys, you solved the problem of opening doors a long time ago. You're good on this, really, move on to optimizing cupholders or something.

Speaking of buttons, let's turn back a second to the Hindenberg Nexo.

What the heck? A sea of gray rectangles, some of which shift!

This was featured in an article from 2017 called, "Here Are the Nine Weirdest Gear Shifters in the Car Industry" So it's not just a me thing.

Lexus was there, demonstrating its continuing commitment to the Thanos school of automotive design.

How about the Kia Seltos, the only car named after a breath mint!

See down there to the lower left?

They do that on purpose, put in blank placeholders for the options you were too cheap to get.

Triggers major FOMO in me. Why, it could be anything! Maybe even a shifter that made sense.

This is a Buick Envista. (We really have run out of car names, haven't we.)

My son said it looked like the color of our dog's ... well, I don't want to be crude, so I'll spell it backwards.

Poop.

My son and I have always enjoyed the commercial vans because... actually I'm not really sure why. They've always fascinated me. Here was the Ford Transit.

Is that a beauty or what?

Look at all that... nothing.

They also had the Mercedes Sprinter.

For some reason, this one was giving off some major human trafficking vibes.

The fact that the door at the end locks from the cabin side probably didn't help that impression any.

It was a "safety feature," mind you, just in case the illegals you just charged $5,000 per and dumped on the wrong side of the Rio Grande want their money back.

I meant to check, but this very well might have been the "Coyote" edition.

In case you were wondering, the picture isn't upside down, that's just good-old fashioned German quality!

Off to the lower floor and the promised "exotics."

Let's take a look at a few.

You know you're in the exotic sections when you not only can't afford to buy anything, you can't afford to touch them.

This grill costs more than my college education. Not more than my kid's college education will. Probably not more than his books now that I'm thinking about it.

"What color is it?"

"Yes."

The name is Bond...

Bugatti is Italian for "fuhgettaboutit."

Luuuuke. I am your Uber driver...

The one thing I have to admit that I missed was the classic car collections, primarily Corvettes and Mustangs. They were kind of behind a cordoned off area and were just less prominently displayed than in years past. Maybe too gasoliney for the current zeitgeist? Still, my fault for missing them.

We were wrapping things up and getting hungry so hit one of those snack bars with the highly sophisticated self-checkout systems.

All you had to do is place your items on the platform and stand back in awe as its advanced technology divined what your items were and rang them up for you.

Ummmm...

I could see the obvious confusion.

I feel like the AI apocalypse is a few years off yet.

Three-and-a-half hours wandering around an auto show and we were exhausted. It would be a bit before my wife would be able to come pick us up so we headed out into the early evening to find some coffee.

We ended up at Tatte, a highish-end sorta urban hip regional chain that was, well, this.

More to the point, you need to be very careful when you order. I told the guy I wanted two lattes with whole milk.

Yeah, that's not what he heard.

We were both aghast. I would never order an oat milk latte. I'm not that kind of person.

Okay, fine, I'm already the kind of person who gets a latte, so it's not like I'm coming off a shift at the plant and ordered a black coffee, but I do have my limits!

You know what oat milk does? Not foam, I'll tell you that. More like suds.

Surprisingly enough, after we got over our initial chagrin and drank them, they kinda grew on us. It will never become my go-to (black coffee really is mine) and I'll still default to whole milk for a latte, but these were a nice change of pace.

Overall, we had a great time this year, and there were plenty of makes and models that did not require overnight charges and that actually worked, however the absence of so many automakers that say they would prefer to focus on more virtual methods of marketing is a mistake and is, counterintuitively, looking backwards rather than forwards. Why do I say that?

As it turns out, the whole anti-social all-Internet approach to car shopping is more a Millennial thing, and the shift in marketing is likely a product of that generation's march up through the corporate ranks. Gen Z? By large margins, they want to actually see the cars IRL.

Four in five Gen Zers also said they prefer purchasing their vehicles in person, as opposed to online shopping (9%), in contrast to the tech-focused millennials who prefer online shopping (16%).

Commissioned by Cars.com, the study found 62% bought their current vehicle from a dealership or pre-ordered their vehicle from a dealer. Eighty-one percent overall agreed it's important to touch, feel and test drive a car before buying it.

Regardless, auto shows will be around for some time and might even make a comeback. Maybe EV fever will subside as we are not remotely close to having an infrastructure that will support widespread adoption, from transmission lines, power generation, all the way to home charging.

Otherwise, as we march towards our EV Utopia, be prepared to trip over these sprouting up in an urban neighborhood near you!

Hey, those cars aren't going to charge themselves!

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