Drones swarming New Jersey's shore at night have been in the news all week, but Biden finally put everyone's fears to rest by explaining they would go away just as soon as he paid the little green men what he owes them. To pay them for unspecified services, Biden has been collecting money as fast as possible in his 'Pardons For Cash' program but apparently is still a bit short. Though Biden is not worried about a threat to America, he is worried about his kneecaps. Rumors that Nancy Pelosi also owes money to the little green men could not be confirmed, though Biden plans to avoid stairs just in case. But that's not all that happened last week!
Read on for exclusive headlines you will only see here on the Bee Forum News, because Bee subscribers see things no one else sees and say things no one else is brave enough to say, for some reason.
Top Headlines of the Week - headlines with the most upvotes by forum members:
FBI Still Hasn't Ruled Out COVID As Cause Of Death For UnitedHealthcare CEO @dontslowtheearth
Mystery New Jersey Drone Swarm Found To Be Delivering DoorDash To Chris Christie @twoplus2ischicken
Wife Lands Full-Time Job Opening Her Amazon Packages @kirgol
Justin Trudeau Condemns America For Failing To Elect Female President Like Canada Did @thebigfreeze
Syrians Once Again Finding Themselves Between Iraq And A Hard Place @njhokie84
Santa Clause Chuckles To Himself As He Prepares To Give Greta Thunberg Coal For The Seventh Christmas In A Row @fishythepenguin
Delusional Biden Attempts To Break Jesus' Record Number Of Pardons @ruthiej714
With Batting Average Crashing, NY DA Expected To Be Sent To Minors @ponysoldier
After Mysterious Drones Seen Over Ukraine, U.S. Sends $50 Billion To Investigate @showquest
If An Announcer Quits On CNN And No One Is Around To Hear It, Does It Make A Sound? @smcniel
Innocent Murderers Afraid To Leave Home With Daniel Penny Loose On The Streets @lpathehuman
New Jersey Man Constructs Giant Fly Swatter @gfanson
Alvin Bragg Announces Dangerous NYC Criminals Have Escaped @grandpajoeconway
Mitch McConnell Falls During Senate Lunch, Nearby Senators Had To Flip Him Over As His Shell Was Stopping Him From Righting Himself @slateslabrock
Planned Defunding Of Costly Research Grants Threaten Scientists Studying Monkey Drool @Dorli
Sometimes, really great headlines don't make it to the top so here are some of my favs:
With Penny Acquitted, BLM Finally Has Time To Go Christmas Looting @soupysez48
Hallmark Releases New Film 'Christmas In Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch' @fishythepenguin
Luigi Pleads, 'Imma Notta Guilty, Mama Mia!' As He Enters NYC Courtroom @coloradojoe
Foggy Evening Prompts Magi To Ask Rudolph To Guide Caravan To Bethlehem @riddler5
Majority Of Americans Secretly Hoping The Drones Just Take New Jersey @inspectormichaelcall
Male Nativity Scene Figurines Slowly Rotate Towards TV As Football Game Begins @davel
Dick Van Dyke Barely Escapes Malibu Wildfire After Repeatedly Tripping Over Ottoman @blitzwoofer
Historians Now Believe Brutus Was Just Trying To Start A Conversation About Healthcare @emotnlsupportpython
AI Parents Expecting First Baby Just Hope It Has 13 Fingers And 8 Toes @cclaws
BONUS - One randomly selected headline:
Do you have breaking news to report? Join us! Who knows, your headline might get published or featured on the Babylon Bee homepage, or it could show up here in our re-cap of the top headlines of the week. Thousands more totally true headlines were posted this week on the forum, but sadly, only Bee subscribers can read them. You did get to read a few, though, so if you have a favorite, please let us know in the comments!
Cover photoshop by subscriber @Disidente_Redactico
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