You might have thought the excitement was over last week after somebody almost did something at Mar-a-Lago, which completely dominated the news cycle for a full 30 minutes. As soon as people realized that Hitler was fine, the country breathed a huge sigh of relief and promptly forgot all about it. But then, just when we started getting bored, Israel introduced terrorists in Lebanon to a fun new game called 'Exploding Pagers.' Then, they released a very popular add-on called 'Exploding Walkie Talkies.' The game was a bit deadly, so it's been pulled from the shelves. Thankfully, Ilhan Omar escaped harm as she will only play Bunko with her Hezbollah buddies. But that's not all that happened last week!
Read on for exclusive headlines you will only see here on the Bee Forum News, because Bee subscribers see things no one else sees and say things no one else is brave enough to say, for some reason.
Top Headlines of the Week - headlines with the most upvotes by forum members:
Hillary Clinton Pines For The Good Old Days When Assassinations Were Called Suicides @thebigfreeze
Israel Sends Free Pagers To Democrats As Thanks For Their Support With The Gaza War @showquest
Satan Begs That Hilary Be Cast Out Of Him @carolyn1
Israel Condemned For Using Weapons Of Mass Communication @gfanson
Sad! No Kids For Ilhan Omar After Brother Involved In Pager Incident @dontslowtheearth
Hillary Pleased With Kamala's Progress As Her Sith Apprentice @disidente_redactico
Joe Biden Makes It Clear That There Is No Place For Violence Against The Single Greatest Threat To America In Its Entire History @skp
Days Since Last Trump Assassination Attempt Counter Reset To Zero @stankystankowicz
More Hollywood Celebs Threaten To Leave The Country If Third Assassination Attempt Is Unsuccessful @njhokie84
Ohio Moms Save Boatloads On Lint Rollers @kirgol
Introverts For Trump Hold Silent Protest @realmccoy
Hezbollah's Sizable Pager Purchase Costs More Than An Arm And A Leg @ruthiej714
Israel Tries To Offer Hamas Unconditional Surrender But Can't Get Anyone In Gaza On The Phone @neohillbilly
Canada Begins Mandatory Water Gun Buybacks @fishythepenguin
"We Don't Want Your Guns" Says Woman Actively Trying To Take Your Guns @nicalys
Report: World Just Gonna Act Like Everybody Knew You Could Still Buy A Pager @oldhoss
Trump Places Wreath At Lawn Of The Unknown President @eversong
Hezbollah Member Not So Excited About Those 72 Virgins Anymore @priehle
Sometimes, really great headlines don't make it to the top so here are some of my favs:
Secret Service Tries New Strategy Of Clearing Shooters From Immediate Vicinity Of Trump @showquest
Report: Golf Assassin Accidentally Alerted Secret Service By Yelling 'Fore!' Before Shooting At Trump @alola_rychu
Trump Asks FBI To Punch His Assassination Attempt Loyalty Card @mrhugs
Man Who Threw His Back Out Sneezing Confident He Could "Do MMA" @muaddweeb
Trump Endorsed By Taylor Swift's 826 Ex Boyfriends @smitty2028
Hezbollah Discovers Latest Shipment Of Furbies Also Laden With Explosives @stankystankowicz
Iran Considers Launching Old Pay Phones Into Israel In Response To Pager Attack On Hezbollah @hustler_family
"Yeehaw Howdy Y'all!" Says Kamala At Texas Rally With Western Accent She's Totally Had The Whole Time @captainadam
Dad Forced To Drive Minivan Now Suffers From Low T @lawprof
To Show Solidarity With Hezbollah, Harvard Students Put Lit M-80s In Their Pants Pockets @skp
Texans Laser Engrave Memes On Their Firearms To Exercise Their 1A And 2A Rights Simultaneously @ar5000
@BONUS - One randomly selected headline:
Shirtless MAGA Boat Owner Awarded Nobel Prize In Economics @calvary
Do you have breaking news to report? Join us! Who knows, your headline might get published or featured on the Babylon Bee homepage, or it could show up here in our re-cap of the top headlines of the week. Thousands more totally true headlines were posted this week on the forum, but sadly, only Bee subscribers can read them. You did get to read a few, though, so if you have a favorite, please let us know in the comments!
Cover photoshop by subscriber @Disidente_Redactico
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