A lot has been happening in the world lately. You might have noticed it, or you might have just been ignoring it. Which is fine. Anyway, we are happy to fill you in! For instance, last week President Trump had to pay $175 million just to appeal a judgement of $400 million, which is totally fair, especially for former Republican presidents. So, he paid the judgement in pennies. Then after that, he was immediately indicted again, also fair, and sued, because that's one thing we Americans are really good at — suing people. Anyway, if you want to know why, it's all here in black and white in the headlines below. Plus, you will discover a lot more wild stuff happened last week that the main stream news refused to cover. Never fear! The Babylon Bee subscribers have been hard at work reporting all the news you need to know in the Bee Forum News. (Please read with caution as the following headlines have not been approved by the FBI and may be hazardous to your health.)

Top Headlines of the Week — a selection of headlines with the most upvotes by forum members:

• Boeing CEO Named New Secretary Of Transportation @pure_teej
• New Orleans 4th Graders In Tears After Grilling From Guest Science Fair Judge John Kennedy @stankystankowicz
• Megan Markle Accuses Kate Middleton Of Getting Cancer For Attention @dontslowtheearth
• McDonalds Puts Gas Pumps In Drive-Thru So Cars Can Make It Through Long Wait Times @showquest
• Biden Unable To Sign Executive Order After Receiving Unmarked Package Full Of Chinese Finger Traps @kirgol
• "Let Jesus Be The Squatter In Your Heart" Op-Ed By Chet Skatington, Youth Pastor @twoplus2ischicken
• Op-Ed: No One Needs A Cargo Ship With More Than 10 Containers @molivson
• Uh-Oh: Man's Neuralink Goes Into Screensaver Mode While Wife Is Talking @alola_rychu
• Trump Indicted For Being Alive During Bridge Collapse @drconservativeprof
• RFK Jr. Selects Bag Of Money Dressed Up As A Woman For Running Mate @disidente_redactico
• Barack Obama Seen Exiting Dry Cleaners Carrying Easter Bunny Costume @fishythepenguin
• Business Hires Cowboys To Round Up Last Of The Feral Work-From-Home Employees @unclecrumpty

And here are some of my favorites that didn't make it to the top:

• Pharisees Criticize Local Carpenter For Spreading Disinformation Deemed Harmful By Religious Experts @rayatthebay
• Apostles See Slump In WWJD Merch Sales After Followers Witness Jesus' Crucifixion @ruthiej714
• Mario Goes Back To Plumbing After Seeing How Many More Coins He Can Make @jbaker
• Passengers Celebrate As Puff Of White Smoke From Engine Indicates Boeing Has Chosen A New CEO @aremstardotstar
• Planet Fitness Adds Peepholes Into Women's Locker Rooms For Guys Who Are Shy @showquest
• Trump Faces New Lawsuit As VeggieTale's Laura Carrot Sues For Trade Dress Infringement @anythingelse
• Teacher Assigns Diorama Project To Mom @skullcrazes
• Trump Hoping For One More Indictment Before November To Push Him Over The Top @mcwebb99
• Man Calls In Stunt Husband For Night Out Dancing @unclecrumpty
• 84% Of Doctors Admit They "Just Google Patients' Never-Ending Health Complaints And Prescribe, Like, Whatever" @mrtownsend

BONUS — One randomly selected headline:

• Conservative Republicans In House Nearing Goal Of No RINOs In House And Democrat Majority @mcwebb99

Do you have breaking news to report? Join us! Who knows, your headline might get published or featured on the Babylon Bee homepage, or it could show up here in our re-cap of the top headlines of the week. Thousands more totally true headlines were posted this week on the forum, but sadly, only Bee subscribers can read them. You did get to read a few, though, so if you have a favorite, please let us know in the comments!

Cover photoshop by subscriber @Disidente_Redactico

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