Valentine's Day is nearly upon us once again. So, as happens every year, tons of single people are out there regretting their failed relationships and wishing for revenge on their exes.
Since we live in a capitalist society, where there's a need in the market, someone is going to meet it.
This year, zoos around the country have jumped on the naming of roaches and other bugs after exes, and humane societies everywhere are naming litter boxes or even pets who have been spayed or neutered after exes. However, there are a few unique players out there coming up with new, creative versions of ex-revenge.
1. The Memphis Zoo is offering to let donors name an elephant's droppings after their exes for a $10 donation:
Got someone who deserves a stinkin' surprise? 💩 Maybe it's your annoying neighbor, overbearing mother-in-law, your ex, or that coworker who still gives you nightmares. This Valentine's, let an elephant do the talking and name a pie after a nitwit!
The zoo will send donors a video of an elephant doing its business, so they can send it to their ex. The money raised will help to feed the elephants, so they can make more ex-revenge videos. It's a vicious poo cycle, just like the donors' failed relationships.
2. The Columbus Zoo and Aquarium is offering to feed donors' exes to a bear, in effigy of course.
Name a superworm after someone, or romance in general, and we'll feed it to a sloth bear! All purchasers receive a fun video of either Randhir or Heiderose slurping worms through a tube (a voluntary enrichment experience that they love!).
In what is likely a good sign for our nation, the Columbus Zoo is also offering a pro-Valentine's option where donors can buy paper hearts that the zoo's penguin couples add to their nests.
Unlike the feed-your-ex-to-a-bear option, the love-bird option has completely sold out.
But enough with that sappy stuff, let's get back to revenge!
3. The WildCat Ridge Sanctuary in Scott Mills, Oregon, is offering to feed donors' exes to a lion or tiger.
How much is your ex's heart worth?
Not much, we realize. For a $50 donation, we'll feed your ex's "Heart" (a meat and jello mold) to a wildcat and send you your very own video you can watch over and over again!
But by far my favorite of this year's batch is this one from a UK travel agency.
4. AttractionTickets, a UK travel service specializing in sending Brits to Orlando Theme Parks, is offering customers the opportunity to have exes' names printed on roller coaster barf bags.
'We wanted to create something for our customers that's as ridiculous as it is relatable,' said Eleanor Cobbe, VP of Brand Marketing at AttractionTickets.com, 'Roller coasters are thrilling, but they're also notorious for turning stomachs. Naming a barf bag after your ex is the perfect way to channel those post-breakup feelings into something lighthearted. Plus, there's a bit of poetic justice in knowing that your ex is being barfed on while you're having a great day.'
They'll even give participants a Certificate of Pettiness to commemorate the occasion.
Absolutely brutal!
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