I've waited a long time to say this, but donuts are a waste of calories that do nothing for you except leave you feeling bloated and aware of your own sinfulness.
Before you chuck your phone across the room, I'll have you know that this was the subject of a lengthy conversation among our staff. We recently stirred up some controversy with thoughts about BBQ sauce and strawberries, and an article on Krispy Kreme led to an all-out brawl.
To quote one of my coworkers, "Live look at the NTB general channel":
I've been around much longer than the rest of my coworkers, so after discussing things with our resident food writer Wolfgang Ramsey, I decided I must put my foot down and take a stand.
See, there are a thousand different pastries that are more elevated, tastier, and more nutritious than the donut, which tastes like sugared rubber, leaves a cheap taste in your mouth and gas in your belly, and somehow has enough preservatives to last forever and yet go stale in 30 minutes.
The beloved doughy cake hails from 15th-century Germany, and the Dutch brought a version to America when they settled New York before the British. The term "doughnut" was in use by the early 1800s, when it appeared in a book by Washington Irving about the rise and fall of Dutch influence in the Americas.
And to be fair, these early creations were profound. They brought new joys to man. The delicious, warm doughy sugarbread was further proof that God is good and that His common grace gives us all far more than we deserve.
But that is not a modern donut.
For comparison, here is the traditional Dutch creation, made with quality dough, fresh fruits, raisins, cinnamon, and cream:
And here's the subpar white flour donuts made with corn syrup, fake chocolate, and plasticized frosting that you eat by the dozen to "nourish" your bodily temple on the way to work:
Some of you purists will argue that you can always order a donut from a place that charges $5 for some special, handmade concoction. But the modern form of the donut demands that it look and smell (heaven help me, the smell of those things) a certain way. It started out centuries ago as a wonderful thing, but we've twisted and warped it so much that there is nothing, save the direct action of God Almighty, that could save it from what it has become.
This is why, of course, restaurants offer all sorts of friend-dough-based treats, but very rarely are they labelled "donuts." Though they still lack the refinement of a thousand other desserts, there's puff pastry beignets, rosettes, tulumba, funnel cakes, fritters, churros, malasada, palmier and more – most of which you have never tried because you've become a slave to the bottom of the barrel.
Heck, even the elephant ears at carnivals are more elegance than the donut!
My friends, I know you may loathe me... but here I stand: I can do no other. God did not put us on this earth to waste our time eating grotesque food.
There is still time for you to repent!
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