Ahoy, me hearties! Gather 'round and I'll regale ye with the tale of Robin "Scurvysteps" Swanger, the scourge of the sevens lawns.
When Scurvysteps Swanger was a wee lad, he dreamt of becoming the vilest, bilge-sucking porch pirate the world has ever known.
You see, only scallywags take packages from their neighbors' porches. The greatest of the porch pirates take the WHOLE porch. So, Scurvysteps sailed away on his six-stair schooner and plucked his neighbor's porch planks right off their front yard.
Police say the plundered porch was found upside down behind Scurvysteps Swanger's pirate hideaway, aka his house.
"It's a full 8' by 10' porch. It would be what goes onto an hour [sic] for entry and exit," said Investigator Chris Stapler with the Coweta County Sheriff's Office.
To be fair, the house the porch was attached to had sailed away, and the shivering timbers were left marooned in the yard all by their lonesome.
But the rightful owners said they had not abandoned their treasure, besides there were "No Trespassing" signs posted on the property.
To be sure, signs would never scare off a porch pirate, not without the threat of a pirate curse anyhow.
Scurvysteps Swanger has been charged with felony theft for hornswoggling a porch, and there were some domestic abuse charges involving his pirate lass pending that got thrown at him as well.
So, he'll be hanging the jib behind bars for bit, but the call of the seven yards is never far from a porch pirate's heart.
Sure as a red sky in the mornin' signals stormy weather be nigh, you may be believin' that we'll be hearin' the name Scurveysteps in police bulletins once again.
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