Brandon Dalaly must have had a really tough time keeping track of his keys to his Tesla, because he took the drastic step of getting a microchip implanted in his hand that he can now use to unlock his car.
That face though!
People were quick to point out that the Tesla seemed to take a fair amount of petting before it rolled over and let its master open the door, though Dalaly chalked that up to inflation: the immune-system-freaking-out-over-a-foreign-object-inside-the-body variety, not the economy-killing kind.
The chip was created by Vivokey Apex, and Dalaly is part of a beta testing group. He said,
"I'm in a beta group of around 100 people and this one can do secure transactions and java card applets. The company that put this together literally has its own app store where you can wirelessly install apps into your body with these chips. And one of the apps just happened to be a Tesla key card. So that was the first app I installed on it because I have a Tesla, and now, I use that as my key when my Bluetooth key fails or I don't have my key card. You just use your hand."
What else does Vivokey Apex's nifty microchip do?
Let's let Dalaly explain:
"What's really cool is when it's approved, they can wirelessly activate the new chip I just got to do credit card transactions. I can link a credit card to it, and I can use it anywhere where there are tap-to-pay terminals."
You can buy and sell with it? Where have I heard that before?
Understandably, Dalaly has had some run ins with people that read the Bible after going public with his implant.
"There's something in the Book of Revelation that talks about this mark in your hand or forehead that shows your allegiance to Satan or something like that. I just don't want to have to worry about forgetting my car keys. I'm not over here worshiping Satan."
I'm not getting into arguing about eschatology in this article, but I mean, this is pretty on the nose.
But hey, if you want to risk eternal damnation on the off chance this isn't the mark in Revelation, the chip costs a measly $400, which includes installation.
But Wait, There's More!
The chip also lights up when in use!!
That way, it will be easy for the IRS agents to know if you've got one or not after they're required by law.
I feel like The Babylon Bee needs to do a modern cover of the "Cathy Don't Go" video. What do you think?
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