Check out these new CDC guidelines for Super Bowl parties. No cheering, chanting, less alcohol, and most of all, no fun!
· Feb 2, 2021 ·

The CDC during Covid is what happens when you give federal funding to the busybodies who normally make up your homeowner's association.

"Mornin', Greg! I noticed the latch on your fence is a little loose. I'll just go ahead and note that here on my clipboard so we can send you passive-aggressive letters until you get that taken care of. Thanks, bud! Have a good one!"

Well, America's Mom is at it again. The CDC has issued some extra special guidelines for Covid-safe Super Bowl parties.

As usual, their main advice is to just stay home and die alone in isolation and depression. But if you're some kind of psycho who feels the strange desire to be around other humans for this year's Super Bowl, you had better FOLLOW ZE RULEZ!

Attending large gatherings like the Super Bowl increases your risk of getting and spreading COVID-19. The safest way to watch the Super Bowl this year is at home with people you live with. If you choose to attend the Super Bowl or a large Super Bowl event, like a watch party this year, follow these steps to make yourself safer:

Most of them are just common sense and par for the course, wear a mask, avoid crowds, etc. But they rolled out a couple special ones for the big game.

First is, "Call the venue to ensure that they have steps in place to prevent the spread of the virus." That actually makes a lot of sense. If you want to be safety conscious, just call ahead and get yourself disinvited from the party.

"Avoid chanting or cheering. Stomp, clap, or bring hand-held noisemakers instead."

The CDC gets it, guys. They're hip. Sure, you can't cheer or chant, but how about some fun stomping?!

I'm sorry but if you stomp your feet in my house, I'm going to ask you to leave POST HASTE. And if you pull out a HAND-HELD NOISEMAKER like this is some 1940s ticker tape parade, you're definitely getting kicked out—AND I'm keeping your crockpot of chili and Fritos.

Unacceptable. No second chances.

They also recommend that you "Limit alcohol consumption." Because "Consuming alcohol may make you less likely to follow COVID-19 safety measures."

As we all know, the biggest danger of getting drunk is that you might take your mask off. You might also drive home drunk and wrap your car around a tree, or pickle your liver. But let's try to keep things in perspective here, folks! It's Covid!

Oh, and they also suggest considering just having your party outdoors. I actually think I might try that here in Michigan.

Just to be safe.


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