For many years, Pop-Tarts were a once-a-year treat for me.

Not even a treat, really, more an ironic throwback along with Cap'n Crunch and some other foodstuffs that my friends and I would get for our annual week-long beach trip. I suspect our grandparents did the same thing back when they were young only for them the nostalgic trip down memory lane would have involved licorice, lemon drops, and cholera.

Then Covid happened, and we were all facing a grim future of endless masks and isolation. Like many, I substituted food for the loss of all human contact which, as I think about it, was not the worst trade I ever made. That would be the time I traded my car for a fat envelope full of cash which was immediately seized by my wife like a cop on an asset forfeiture binge never to be seen again.

So, yeah, I traded my car for… not having a car.

Of course, human contact has since returned, and while I don't eat Pop-Tarts regularly, I do keep them around the house for the occasional craving. I limit myself as Pop-Tarts are not generally considered to be the most healthy breakfast option.

(That would be whisky and regret.)

Wait, that doesn't sound right. Oatmeal or something, probably.

In any case, there is a market for people who want a "healthy" version of Pop-Tarts, which is how we get the organic option, Nature's Path toaster pastries.

These have been around for years and I've had them before, but it's been a while and I had never had them go head-to-head with the reigning king.

First off, as you have all likely figured out long ago, organic does not necessarily mean "healthy." But that was not always true, at least not with packaged goods, and it had nothing to do with their being organic, it had to do with demographics.

In the early days of organic food, when it was still relegated to a small corner of the grocery aisle dedicated to "miscellaneous."

(It's never labeled that, but it's the aisle where they typically stash the pet food, bottle scrubbers, romance novels and staplers, kind of like a Dollar Store after a tornado.)

In any case, I started eating organic cereal back then not because it was organic but because I realized that the people who ate organic were the same people who were legitimately looking for healthier options overall, so organic packaged foods would routinely have superior nutrition. With cereal it was typically more fiber, more protein, and less sugar.

Things started changing about ten years or so ago. I noticed it in the cereal aisle of the organic food store near my house (part of a local chain called "MOM's" for "My Organic Market") as that was what I mostly purchased there.

Items such as this started appearing on shelves.

Hey, they're even gluten free! They must be healthy.

The first trick these organic healthy options like to pull is serving size.

Very few people consider 110 calories a breakfast. Sugary cereal serving sizes are usually 140 to 150 calories. I'll use Lucky Charms as a stand-in for the worst possible parental nightmare of a sugary cereal to compare, adjusted for 110 calories.

What do we get?

Lucky Charms has roughly twice the protein, twice the fiber, and less sugar.

Parents, Chocolate Covered Sugar Bombs, are still Chocolate Covered Sugar Bombs. It doesn't matter if they're organic.

So, how do these organic toaster pastries stack up to the original (on the left below)?

Nature's Path, with a similar calorie count (points for honesty there), has twice the fiber, 50% more protein, but a third more sugar, most likely to make up for the fact they cut the fat content by a third.

I'll call this a draw with maybe a slight edge to Nature's Path, however it really depends on what you care about. Regardless, neither is a particularly healthy option.

How about the ingredients? Here they are, the Pop-Tarts first then then Nature's Path.

There are two big differences. The first is, as expected, Nature's Path forgoes any artificial ingredients, so no preservatives like TBHQ and the like, plus everything is organic.

The second is Nature's Path's commitment to "fair trade."

It is important to point out that this is not fair trade in the sense of a transaction in which two parties voluntarily enter into an exchange of goods or services at an agreed upon price thus maximizing economic efficiency. No, this is fair trade in the sense of a transaction in which upper-income social climbers enter into an exchange of goods and services at an agreed upon price that will maximize virtue signaling.

Time to take these contenders out of the box.

The difference between the two could not be more obvious at least in part because the Pop-Tarts packaging says "Pop-Tarts" on it.

What does the Nature's Path package say?

Nothing.

You know what that is?

That's shame.

Let's open these up and take a look.

Well, it looks like somebody had a quality control problem.

Not as easy as you thought it was going to be is it? "We'll just slather some frosting on top, how hard can that be?"

Pretty freaking hard as it turns out. What happened? Your fair-trade sustainably sourced frosting spreader machine break down?!?!

Now look what you've brought forth, a barren landscape of frostlessness. An expanse across which our palates are forced to traverse.

The Pop-Tarts in contrast are, if not perfect, nearly so.

In fairness I should note that while I have in the past admired the Pop-Tart's commitment to beige, that darker Nature's Path frosting is visibly more pleasing in that it lends some contrast. At least where they managed to actually frost the pastry.

In the toaster they went. Please ignore the crumbs on the bottom. I certainly do.

Both toasted up nicely. I always break these in half before eating them because I'm not an animal.

Here's the Pop-Tart:

Nature's path:

It's subtle, but you might notice the Nature's Path has a thicker crust.

Here they are stacked, with the Pop-Tart on the top.

This is more noticeable when you bite into it. The Nature's Path is more substantial, more chewy, than the Pop-Tart. This is a matter of preference, of course, but I have always enjoyed the almost delicate crunch of a Pop-Tart.

As for taste, pretty similar. In fact, while Nature's Path does not call these "Brown Sugar Cinnamon, but rather "MmMaple Brown Sugar," they do have cinnamon in the ingredients list, and any maple flavor they had (also in the ingredients) was lost on me.

The fillings were similar as well, with the Nature's Path more moist, but only by a negligible amount.

There are other considerations, not the least of which is price.

Organic products are generally more expensive anyway, and add in Nature's Path's insistence on paying people more money than they have to, means you do, too.

How is a working family supposed to afford to give their children diabetes at that price?

I rarely see them on sale, either. Pop-Tarts on the other hand? Pop-Tarts are routinely a breakfast bargain.

Then there is the subject of variety.

You want a frosted hot fudge sundae toaster pastry? I mean, you shouldn't, they sound disgusting, but if you did, Pop-Tarts has you covered.

Nature's Path just doesn't command the volume to support the same variety. This is a wholly random picture I took of the selection at my local grocery store.

They didn't even have the maple brown sugar. But if you're one of those fans of the classic cherry pomegranate, you'd be in luck.

I will grudgingly admit that the Nature's Path entry was good, a worthy contender, if pricey. However, if the world were to become overrun with zombies and I had to hole up on my basement to survive, I would not be stocking the shelves with Nature's Path.

Hey, I don't know how long I'll be down there, so that TBHQ could come in handy.

Editor's Note: Yes, we do realize that Planet Moron has a problem, but our readers seem to enjoy it. You can read his previous Pop-Tarts articles here, here, and here, and here.

(Okay, that last one is just an Amazon link to buy Pop-Tarts because Planet Moron has gotta be a secret Pop-Tarts salesman and I figured I'd just cut out the middle man.)