Attention all left-handed people: it is now your time to shine!
[Language warning]
Looking at you, straight, white, left-handed men!
Your time has come!
It's time to ditch the top of the totem pole and hit up that number two spot, which means you're totally oppressed and destined for failure!
Like the time you tried to open a door for an oppressed female and you had to backhand the door and even fumbled it a little bit because doors are made for righties. You looked like a bozo, and let's be honest: you never had a chance at this chick in the first place. You're left handed!
Or the time you tried to do that art project in school but there were no left-handed scissors, so you just threw your index finger in that tiny hole made for righties' thumbs and did the best you could. The skin between your right thumb and index finger will never be the same.
Or how about that time you were playing basketball with your right-handed friend and he kept passing the ball to your right hand, making it all the more difficult to sink that Pat Connaughton three-ball. You missed at least 7 of 10, and your team lost.
All because you are oppressed!
So I'm calling on all left-handed people to seriously embrace this moment. Call out your coworkers, family members, friends, and even the authorities. For instance: if you get pulled over by the police, don't be afraid to get out of the car, aggressively reach into your jacket—with your left hand, of course—and when you get shot, just remind the media that you're left-handed and everything will be okay.
The time has come, lefties.
Milk this cow for all it's worth!
Here are the links from above:
