Since the Egyptians were pressing reeds into papyrus, humanity has desperately needed to know the answer to one burning question: Which paper gives the worst paper cuts.

That doesn't seem right.

Let me rephrase.

Since the Egyptians … blah blah blah … there have been three people on earth who desperately needed to know which paper was best for slicing human skin: Sif Fink Arnbjerg-Nielsen, Matthew D Biviano, and Kaare H Jensen (all out of the Technical University of Denmark).

And they figured it out, folks.

They did it without spending U.S. taxpayer money too!

(They used Danish taxpayer money instead.)

As gun control in the U.S. draws nearer and nearer, this kind of research might be more valuable than I initially realized.

Here's what happened:

In experiments with a gelatin replica of human tissue, researchers found that a thin sheet of paper tended to buckle before it could cut. Thick paper typically indented the material but didn't pierce it: Like a dull knife blade, it didn't concentrate force into a small enough area. A thickness of around 65 micrometers was a paper cut sweet spot — or sore spot.

So, it's got to be the goldilocks of paper to really cut deep.

So, does such a fantastical weapon exist?

That makes dot matrix printer paper the most treacherous, the researchers say.

Dot matrix paper?

I haven't seen dot matrix paper since Leslie Neilson hacked that computer in Wrongfully Accused.

What else you got, fellas?

Paper from various magazines was a close second in the scientists' tests.

Magazines as deadly weapons?

Now we're talking!

Okay, let's talk technique.

The angle of slicing also played a role. Paper pressed straight down into the gelatin was less likely to cut than paper that cleaved across and down.

I think we can handle that.

Let's talk about production.

Rather than fighting paper's tendency to cut, the researchers embraced it. They designed a 3-D printed tool they call the Papermachete, which, when loaded with a strip of printer paper, acts as a single-use knife. The blade can cut into cucumbers, peppers, apple and even chicken. The cutting-edge device could serve as a new type of cutlery with low-cost replacement blades.

Excellent!

Keep it all on the down low though. If the government finds out you've got vintage boxes of dot matrix paper and stacks of old magazines, you might find yourself on the wrong end of an FBI raid.

(Best to lose all that dangerous paper in a boating accident, if you know what I mean.)

But the researchers' work isn't over yet.

'Future work will study more realistic, finger-shaped materials, rather than flat sheets of gelatin', says Jensen.

'Ideally you would want some test subjects, but it's hard to find volunteers.'

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