This Time article is full of so many gems it's hard to tell where to start. Let's just go with the headline for now, which has "Babylon Bee" written all over it.
"HIS PREGNANCY"!!!!
You know, this stuff used to make me mad, but now I've come to appreciate the humor in it. I mean, I'm picturing Chris Farley walking into an abortion clinic caressing his hairy beer gut with a sad, confused look on his face. He walks up to the counter to check in and politely asks if there's a men's waiting room, farting on his way there.
However, it's 2024, and this isn't some guy on SNL. It's Jasper, the only "Florida Man" I know of who has been documented as pregnant. Jasper's a girl for those of you who are wondering, and she probably looks like a nice young lady, though with short hair and "peach fuzz" on her face.
Not joking about the peach fuzz.
Jasper never considered he might be pregnant. Despite the nausea, the stomach pain, the fatigue, the possibility never crossed his mind. He was about six months into testosterone therapy, a form of gender-affirming care.
It had taken ages to get his father and stepmother on board — though 18 years old at the time, Jasper lived with and relied on them for support. But looking in the rearview mirror, he knew treatment was one of the best things he'd ever done for himself. Feeling the peach fuzz grow on his face, hearing his voice deepen, noticing as his jawline shifted and his eyebrows darkened — it was the first time in his life that Jasper felt truly at home in his body. The treatment made him look and feel like himself; it also meant he barely menstruated.
Again, I'm saddened by the testosterone and the likelihood that this hormone therapy could lead to the next mass shooting of a Christian school, but I still can't help but laugh. I mean, Jasper's testosterone treatment gave "him" facial hair, a deep voice, a strong jaw, and thick eyebrows, yet it still couldn't stop "him" from the natural process of getting pregnant. That's just reality writing its own jokes, free of charge.
Here's how Jasper found out "he" was pregnant:
In June 2022, Jasper caught COVID-19 while traveling with his boyfriend's family, and between the viral symptoms and newfound back soreness, it became, through no fault of his hosts, one of the most miserable vacations he'd ever taken. When he returned to Orlando, Jasper kept waiting for the pain to get better. When it persisted a month later, he visited a doctor who still couldn't figure out what was wrong. Nobody thought to check for pregnancy.
Then the nausea began, followed by mysterious new stomach pains. After enduring an additional month of discomfort, he scheduled another doctor's visit. Maybe, they told him, he had an autoimmune condition; perhaps it was rheumatoid arthritis, which ran in his family. But the stomach pains posed a mystery. They referred him for an ultrasound. In August, Jasper scheduled the appointment, choosing a Saturday so he wouldn't need to take time off work.
He was lying on the table when the clinician broke the news. 'Well,' she said. 'Of course, you know that you're pregnant right?'
Jasper sat up. 'You're joking.'
Again, this is just comedy. This poor girl wants people — even medical professionals — to treat her like a man, so of course nobody told her she was pregnant.
EVERYONE'S SUPPOSED TO LIE TO YOU TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER!
Even Time, writing "he," "him," "his" is just silly throughout this entire article.
And here's a great paragraph I can't let you leave here without reading:
The thought flickered through his mind: if he had been born cis, he never would've had to worry about pregnancy or abortion. This was yet another way his body didn't fully feel like his own, and another way it felt like Florida — which had also recently passed a law outlawing gender-affirming care for people younger than 18 — was attempting to deny him basic physical autonomy.
You just can't make it up!
Moving on now to the abortion stuff.
The abortion was simple: he received a mild sedative, medication to open up his cervix, and a straightforward surgery to remove the fetus. It was a safe, easy procedure — and immensely painful. And then it was over.
Jasper's boyfriend had picked up pho from a restaurant they both loved, and the two watched TV in bed all evening. Over seven days, Jasper had learned he was pregnant, processed the news, scheduled an abortion, and after two visits to a clinic, terminated his pregnancy. He didn't regret it. But the feeling stayed with him — a nagging voice asking, what if? What if he'd been able to give birth and put up a child for adoption? Could he have become a parent, young as he was? He'd never had the chance to consider.
He wished he'd had more time. But that was a luxury nobody could afford.
Quick question about the boyfriend: Is he gay then? I mean, he just got a guy pregnant, so he must be gay. Right?
Man, this stuff is real now. The mainstream media is just going all in on unreality. And it's amazing to witness in real-time.
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