I know we've been making fun of fake-news NBC a whole lot lately. I know, I also make fun of blindly "following the science." But, for once, I earnestly believe both.

I am about to become the healthiest man on Planet Earth.

I can't begin to tell you how good this is going to be for me and my diet.

Taurine, an amino acid found in meat and shellfish...

Aren't shellfish also meat?

Anyways...

...is a popular supplement added to energy drinks that are touted to promote sharper brain function. While those claims are unproven, new research suggests the nutrient may help with healthy aging.

Okay, so it looks like eating meat and drinking red bulls are the keys to living forever. I haven't read the study, but I think those conclusions are undeniable. Mostly because I want them to be true. I need them to be true.

I can literally feel the de-aging process now.

In mice, the supplementation led to less weight gain, increased bone density, improved muscle endurance and strength, reduced insulin resistance, a better-functioning immune system and a 10% longer lifespan, which in humans would be about seven or eight years.

I mean, is it really that much of a surprise that an amino acid that's commonly in meat keeps you healthy and keeps you from aging?

I know the world is suffering from vegan insanity, but you gotta have your protein.

And you've gotta have your wing-giving energy drink.

I know what you're gonna say. Just because taurine is in Red Bull doesn't mean the entire drink is healthy.

And to that, I say "SHUT UP YOU SCIENCE DENIER!"

Yadav was quick to point out that it doesn't look like supplementation is reversing the effects of aging.

"It's hitting the brakes on aging, not putting things in reverse gear," he said at a news briefing Tuesday.

Well, I'm no scientist, but may I suggest something? Have you tried EVEN MORE taurine? Or a Red Bull IV drip?

I'll volunteer (for science).

Studies also indicate that exercise leads to higher levels of taurine, so, unfortunately, pounding that second energy drink may not replace time at the gym.

The "natural" sources highest in taurine are dark meat poultry and shellfish.

Drumsticks, shrimp, and Red Bull is a diet I can fully get behind!

The internet, like myself, is IN LOVE with these test results.

It is truly a great day for science!

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