I'm a huge fan of documentaries about cults.

As I've followed the disastrous stories of cults like Scientology, Heaven's Gate, NXIVM, and Children of God, I noticed certain familiar patterns emerge in each of these groups. I'd share my personal observations with you, but I think it would be better for all of us if I defer to the one infallible source of ultimate truth in this world:

Oprah, of course!

According to the inspired texts of Oprah Magazine (or at least the expert they consulted), there are several warning signs of a dangerous cult. And for some reason, I can't help but feel like there's something reeeeaaaallly familiar about these signs.

In the article, which was published earlier this year, cult expert Steven Hassan breaks down the warning signs into four main categories: Behavior control, information control, thought control, and emotional control. Let's take a look at examples of each, shall we?

Behavior control

Examples of behavior control include:

• The cult "dictates where, how, and with whom the member lives and associates with, or isolates them from others."

Good thing most of the world is too smart to allow anyone to tell us who we can or can't associate with or isolate from.

• "They regulate your diet..."

Of course, we would never let other people dictate our food choices!

• "They practice financial exploitation, manipulation or dependence."

I'm just glad our woke leftist leaders would never exploit us financially. I sleep well knowing that our taxes and federal deficit will always be totally necessary and well-spent. They definitely have no interest in making us financially dependent on them!

• "They impose rigid rules and regulations."

Thankfully, we live in a country that loves freedom, so there's no risk of well-meaning leftists over-regulating us or infringing upon our rights. at all.

Information control

Examples of information control include:

• "Deliberately withholding or distorting information."

Not in my America! We definitely don't have powerful organizations restricting our ability to gather information in order to make our own decisions!

• "They minimize or discourage access to non-cult sources of information."

There's definitely no large cult mentality attempting to cut us off from their pre-approved informations sources.

Thought control

Examples of thought control include:

• "They require members to internalize the group's doctrine as truth."

• "They change a person's name and identity."

• "They use loaded language and clichés which constrict knowledge, stop critical thoughts, and reduce complexities into platitudinous buzz words."

Huh. I got nothing.

Emotional control

An example of emotional control is:

• "They instill fear, such as fear of the outside world, enemies, leaving or being shunned by the group."

Welp.

Note:

This particular list did not include things like failed doomsday prophecies or frequent human sacrifices. I'll just assume those aren't anything we should be concerned about.

All I can say is that now that we know to look out for those red flags, I'm sure we'll be able to easily spot them if they ever become an issue. Which they won't, of course. We live in a society that values our God-given rights to live our lives as we choose and speak freely. No large cult is going to brainwash us!

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go back to obediently staying home under lockdown orders, tweeting my allegiance to the government's mandates, and announcing my new name and pronouns to reflect my altered identity!