Ladies and gentlemen, here at Not the Bee, we believe that 2+2=4, Jesus is Lord, and America is a nation with a specific identity and traditions, not just an ideal or an economic zone.

But the clowns in Clown World don't believe those things, which is why reality is now beating The Babylon Bee at their own game.

Let's talk about the "best" stories from 2024 that you can't believe aren't satire.

January:

• Harvard's first black female president resigned after her plagiarism came to light

• This wokie got mad at McDonald's because his wrapper was blue and white and that meant they were supporting Israel or something.

• Bloomberg joined The New York Times in arguing that elections are a threat to democracy.

• The White House got "swatted."

February:

• A female pastor punted an actual Bible across stage for Super Bowl Sunday.

• "Nikki Haley Loses Nevada Primary To 'None Of These Candidates'"

• A California Democrat pushed to raise the state's minimum wage to $50 an hour.

• A Hawaiian court ruled that the "Spirit of Aloha" supersedes the 2nd Amendment.

• A Florida officer emptied a mag on his own squad car after mistaking a falling acorn for a gunshot

• The Georgia district attorney who filed charges against Trump appointed her own married lover to be the lead prosecutor on the case.

March:

• Federal workers showed up at their offices to protest having to return to the office for work.

• The charity responsible for England's historic monuments says Hadrian's Wall is "a symbol of LGBT history."

• Woke magazine asks "where are all the black people" in TV drama on Japanese history

• Portland bartender convicted for "misgendering" man who entered women's restroom.

April:

• A California men's room went viral for having a nicer tampon dispenser than the ladies' room.

• A Canadian LGBT group held a "Queer Art for Palestine" event.

• A North Carolina student was suspended for using the term "illegal alien" in English class

• We learned Amazon's automated grocery stores were mostly run by 1,000 Indians who watched people shop

• A Harvard honesty professor was accused of plagiarism.

May:

• San Francisco used taxpayer dollars to buy vodka shots for homeless addicts

• A speaker at a George Floyd exhibit at Arizona State said "George Floyd died for us, each and every last one of us ... God chose him."

June:

• We learned Canada's capital wants race-based tree planting in the name of "tree equity"

• WaPo said "we've been accidentally cooling the planet ... while warming it"

July:

• We learned just how incompetent the Secret Service is after a dweeb shot Trump in the ear.

• The New York Times' chief White House reporter started wearing a headset to decipher what Joe Biden was saying in ENGLISH.

• Someone pulled France's legendary "Durandal" sword out of the stone where it had been wedged for 1,300 years.

• The RNC kicked off its first day with a reality star known for "SlutWalk" and a prayer to the god Waheguru.

• Joe Biden dropped out of the 2024 presidential race days after promising that he would not drop out of the 2024 presidential race.

August:

• A British woman married her cat to stop her landlord from forcing her to get rid of it.

• "Jaws of Life" Stolen From Oakland Firefighters While Saving Kid Stuck In Swing

• A DNC speaker said "Donald Trump would be able to weaponize the Department of Justice to go after his political opponents" if he was elected

September:

• Another guy tried to take out Trump on a golf course and a Secret Service agent missed the shooter from FIVE FEET AWAY.

• Australia's Raygun officially named world's #1 female breakdancer by the sport's governing body.

• Trump went viral for saying "they're eating the dogs, they're eating the cats" during a presidential debate with VP Kamala Harris.

• We learned that an Australian doctor might lose his medical license for sharing Babylon Bee articles

October:

• A University of Connecticut professor said racism is responsible for natural disasters

• The president of the United States was confused as to which storm reporters were talking about when they asked about federal relief for Hurricane Helene.

• A McDonald's "chef" said Trump has "no idea how difficult it is to be a french fry cook" ahead of Trump's visit to a McDonald's restaurant.

• A major AAA video game, Dragon Age: Veilguard, lectured players on misgendering people.

• Someone shouted "Jesus is Lord" at a Kamala rally and Kamala responded by saying that he was at the wrong rally.

November:

• A squirrel named "P'Nut" influenced the course of the U.S. election.

• CNN gave us the best CNN moment of all time after Donald Trump beat Kamala Harris 👇

• The UK Supreme Court decided it will hear a case on the definition of a "woman."

• A former poly-sci professor said her election prediction was wrong because you can't factor in "the existence of racism and misogyny"

• The Illinois Supreme Court overturned Jussie Smollett's conviction for lying about a hate crime.

• A FEMA area manager directed her staff not to visit hurricane-damaged homes with Trump flags or signs.

• The trustee of Britain's oldest breastfeeding group was forced to resign because she won't help men learn how to "chestfeed."

• Washington lawmakers pushed to pass a bill that would make homelessness a civil right.

• We learned Sweden's "gender minister" has an almost paralyzing fear of bananas and won't allow them anywhere near her.

December:

• Joe Biden pardoned his son after promising that he would not pardon his son.

• The National Spelling Bee added "womyn" as official word

• Taylor Lorenz said we are "raw dogging the air" by not wearing Covid masks.

• The Associated Press named a man the third-best female athlete of the year.

• An Atlanta homeowner was arrested after trying to evict a squatter from her house.

• Vivek Ramaswamy decided to end his political career by arguing about immigration.

• The Church of England told clergy to drop "problematic" Christmas hymns as to not offend unbelievers with basic Christian teachings

If you can remember any others that you think should be on the list, let me know in the comments.

Happy New Year, everyone!

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